Humor and Breathing

"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."

-- George Bernard Shaw

Laughter is powerless without breathing. So is the catharsis of crying. Ever laugh till your eyes tiered or you outright cried?

Do you titter or guffaw, smirk or chuckle, smile undiscernibly or yuck, yuck, yuck?

Humor makes life fun. We lighten up and allow the freedom of the breath and reforming of key thought forms to recreate or re-enforce new aspects of inner perspectives. We get to take a step back and observe and more appreciate the absurd or the underlying wisdom within the depth of our natural un-forced inhalations.

Laughter is a primary release mechanism from tension. When ridiculousness' occurs and our breath releases, we can more readily see the beauty, joy, wittiness or intelligence and better accept unfamiliar or too familiar forms; even the gems of truth hidden in obscure, and blatantly obvious counterproductive points of view. I would dearly miss the newspaper comic section.

On a more somber note, Doonesbury author Gary Trudeau states that "In the shadow of great sorrow, sometimes laughter is the only thing between people and utter despair."

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

-- Mark Twain

Breathing and humor can be a safety valve for the healthy release and expression of anger and other strong feelings and emotions.

Humor is mentally and physically good for everyone offering perspective and balance while providing temporary relief from the world's restrictive regulations.

Humor is a means of communication and creative expression.

Humor affirms life and brings people together.

Humor is a way to express the truth even when the truth is feared.

Humor is very beneficial in strengthening relationships. It gives one a special perspective and sense of power. Humor also dispels anger and aggression and relieves tension.

We that learn to find humor even in some of the grim realities and emotion-packed challenges of daily life have an edge on peace of mind. But this mindset takes practice.

And so it goes..

Notice what happens with your breathing after you laugh a lot. My breathing slows down and becomes fuller and deeper. My voice becomes more resonant.

One of my favorite birthday cards shows a picture of a "seeker" coming to the "top of the mountain" to ask the great sage and seer of all-knowingness,

"Oh great baba, what is the secret of long life?"

Inside the card, baba reveals,

"Keep breathing as long as you can."

The Laughlab, at www.laughlab.co.uk, was created by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in England for what he calls the most comprehensive study ever on the psychology of humor. Since it was launched in September, the site has collected more than 10,000 jokes and ratings from 100,000 people in 70 countries.

The following joke received the highest rating from 47 percent of people who participated:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

Diagnosis?

"When I press my forehead with my finger, it really hurts, " a patient complained to his doctor. "And when I do the same to my cheek, it's also painful. Even if I press on my stomach, I suffer. What can it be?"

Stumped, the physician sent the patient to a specialist.

The man returned top his doctor the following week. "what did the specialist say?" the doctor asked. The man replied. "She said I have a broken finger."

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Dililah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,

Moses went up to mount Cyanide to get the amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone".

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

San Francisco is the greatest.

You know you're in San Francisco when ...

• Your co-worker tells you she/he has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
• Someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.
• You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
• You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
• You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
• You can't remember... is pot illegal?
• You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
• You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
• Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers".... it's the first time you have seen him/her nude.
• Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
• You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
• You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
• A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps. You don't notice.
• A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
• You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.
• You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
• You keep a list of companies to boycott.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

REAL HEADLINES IN REAL NEWSPAPERS

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
23. War Dims Hope for Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
38. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"
21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
9. "I was working smarter-not harder."
8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
7. "I'm in the management training program."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client." And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

So there's this sweet Jewish grandma at this party and she spots a young man and goes over to him and says "well!, you look like a nice young man, tell me something about yourself." He says well, I've been gone a long time and it's nice to be here with my friends. She says "You were gone a long time? Where did you go. He replies. " Well, I was in prison". Prison she says, OH MY, Prison. Goodness, how long were you in prison?.

He confides, 15 years.

GOODNESS. 15 years. What on earth did you do to get sent to prison for 15 years.

He tells her "I killed my wife".

She raises her head, looks up at him, smiles and says "so your single?"

• If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills;
• If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
• If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it;
• If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time;
• If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong;
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
• If you can conquer tension without medical help;
• If you can relax without liquor;
• If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs;

You are probably the family dog. Click here for Mike's "family dog."

http://www.darwinawards.com/

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says: "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking. It will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else like a million dollars? Anything!!"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."

And he became a woman.

Subject: The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.

A funny thing happened to me
while I was visiting the park in old London town last year. I had to use the park facility, which was one of those new high-tech automatic outdoor restrooms.

After I finished and was ready to leave, the automatic door opened and there stood another tourist like myself. (His attire obviously showed he was from China.)

I motioned for him to come in and save his admission coin; he'd come in and I'd go out simultaneously. He caught on right away; as I walked out, he walked in and the door closed automatically.

Then I heard this loud rushing of water inside. I then realized this toilet facility had an automatic self-cleaning feature that sounded all-encompassing inside. I quickly realized what was happening - the poor guy was getting all wet - so I walked pretty fast and jumped on a bus.

I often wonder if he still hates me. Maybe there's a new Confucius saying:

"Man who gets in free to use facility gets surprise of his life."

Kiss that Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Every Monday Jon Walters
sends out a Pearl of Wisdom. This week we had a special request to share our pearl with everybody...

And the Lord said to the Rabbi, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished and desperate. Each held a spoon that reached the pot but had a handle so long that it could not be used to reach their mouths. The suffering was terrible.

"Come, now I will show you Heaven," the Lord said after a while.

They entered another room, identical to the first-- the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long spoons. But there, everyone was happy and nourished.

"I don't understand," said the Rabbi. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room, and everything was the same?"

The Lord smiled, "Ah, but don't you see" he asked. "Here they have learned to feed each other."

Words of Wisdom

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
• I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
• I am having an out-of-money experience.
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
• Not afraid of heights--afraid of widths.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Old Japanese Tale

A belligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. But the monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout. I can't waste my time with the likes of you!"

His very honor attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled, "I could kill you for your impertinence."

"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell."

Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.

"And that," said the monk, "is heaven."

Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars:

• Horn broken. Watch for finger.
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
• All generalizations are false.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• I brake for no apparent reason.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
• I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
• Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
• Born free...Taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• No radio - Already stolen.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
• Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• i souport publik edekashun.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Keep honking...I'm reloading.
• Caution: I drive like you do.

A Long Happy Life?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and couldn't understand why his computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"I need a battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Working Out for Weight Loss

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A must read!

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, because it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce put me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday: I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him up. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *$@####! *$@####! barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi dog.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@####! Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the dog) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

From Mike White: Click here for a way to take excess weight off and KEEP it off

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."

Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,

"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a pathname to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

In 7-11 the other day, I purchased several items and paid with a $20 dollar bill. As the clerk attempted to count out the correct change for the third time, she commented "I never was very good at Geometry."

These are "actual" lines from some company's performance reviews!!

• "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
• "He's been working with glue too much."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "He has two brains: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Joke of the Week

A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand.

Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens -- Juan approaches the border on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border. This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Let There Be Peace

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

The Perfect Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

===================================

* A Male's Response * (Scroll Down )

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER

When two fishermen from Puglia, Italy, found a hand grenade, they didn't turn it over to authorities, they took it fishing. And when they saw some bubbles coming from the deep, they tossed the grenade in the water "hoping to stun fish". The bubbles weren't coming from fish, but from Teodoro Zuccaro's scuba tank. The blast killed the 43-year-old diver. The two fishermen have been charged with manslaughter, detonating an explosive, and poaching....Poaching?: apparently divers weren't in season yet.

TELEPHONE ANSWERING MACHINE OUTGOING MESSAGES

• My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
• This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
• (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
• Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine.
• What are you?"
• He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
• "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
• "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
• They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
• This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
• "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
• "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
• "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Having a bad day? TRUE STORIES REPORTED IN THE NEWSPAPERS

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, to find that his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

An angel wrote:

• Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
• To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.
• Anger is only one letter short of danger.
• If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.
• Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
• God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
• He who loses money, loses much. He who loses a friend, loses more. He who loses faith, loses all.
• Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
• The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

The Meaning of Life

by Cukey Sapodillo taken from http://www.livingnutrition.com/laugh.html

The American businessman was at an outdoor fresh food market at a coastal Costa Rican farm village when a small truck with filled with boxes of fruit pulled up. The American complimented the driver on the quality of his fruit and asked how long it took to pick it all. The Costa Rican farmer replied, only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he pick more fruit? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Costa Rican farmer said, "I sleep late, tend to the orchard, pick fruit, have lunch, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should pick more fruit, plant more trees, spend more time farming and with the proceeds, buy a bigger orchard, and with the proceeds from the bigger orchard you could buy several orchards. Eventually you would have a fleet of trucks. Instead of selling your harvest at fruit stalls in small villages you would sell directly to city markets, and eventually open your own fruit exporting business. You would control the product and distribution."

"You would need to hire orchard and distribution managers, leave this small coastal village and move to San Jose, then Mexico City, then Los Angles, then New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Costa Rican farmer asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said: "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal farming village where you would sleep late, tend to your orchard, pick fruit, have lunch, play with your grandchildren, take siestas with your wife, stroll into the village each evening and play guitar with your amigos."

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